banana and chocolate is the new brain food

I stare forward trying to find a hint of bright brown – the color of my desk, all I can see is a 1cm by 1 cm brown framing the A4 sized recycled legal pal listing my never ending to do list. I turn to my left and let out a silent sigh, brown files piled up, print outs, notes, calculator, desk phone, my bright red diary with papers tucked in between – painfully reminding me of things I ought to act on, and then right in front of me is the blank computer screen. My pen holder comes peeking out shyly but overflowing with pen. This has been annoying me of late, but I have yet to find time to investigate the root of this problem. What is the problem? – I hear you ask. The problem is – I only keep 3 Kilmetrico ball point pens (quite a durable pen, aren’t they? ) amongst other staples. The bright turquoise and black caps stood out, almost forming a mini flag protesting for more space. One in each color; red, blue, black. That is D rule. No need for abundance of pen. Now, i’m seeing 3 blacks, 2 blues (the red are taking a holiday in the paper island on my left), hate to say it but it annoys me a little. I need to find their owners. I swear that I never (mis)took other people’s belonging. Is that is, or my memory are failing me. I am so curious – how did they get here? Have they been secretly multiplying after the lights go off and the door gets shut, furtively forming a family or an army troupe?

Perhaps I should go around the office asking who lost a pen or two. I’m sure I will be the joke of the day. There’s this joke I heard once on a late night show. It goes like this, “who buys stationeries anyway; we all get them from the office.” Laughter will be on me, simply because whoever cares about office stationeries anyway. They are aplenty. Things we all take for granted. When I ponder on things like these, I feel sad, yet what can I do? Or should I say what I have done about it. Lately that’s the big question.

I hope I’m doing some of you proud, but most importantly MYSELF. I have not written anything for a long time. Maybe those pens are mocking me. This big bold “WHY?” hovers in my brain clouds ever since the day I said I have lost the writing mojo (even a paragraph seems hard, then). So, one fine day, during a chatter over lunch with my colleagues, exchanges stories, aspirations, one said –sometimes we set out to do our best and then they are always going to be people better than you, way better. You feel discouraged, beaten up. Stuck in this void, there’s only one road you can see, the easy one. We are our very own worst critic, I must say. We make up excuses to feel better while trying to escape the big run. Where have it gotten us but no-where. Take a step each day. One at a time, I promise and I try. Even if it’s the smallest thing. Now I ask you to be my worst critic. It’s about time I put mine to rest.

Listening to : Viva La Vida & Lost, Coldplay