Life on the Merry-Go-Round

last year today

2011-08-23T18:00:00.003+08:00

i said; i thought i was losing it... but someone told me, i already have. i couldn't agree more

hehehe
Ironically, I felt somewhat the same today. Probably it's the pre-holiday anxiety. Causing me minor stomach pain.

what did i left behind?

2011-07-07T16:20:00.003+08:00

i left this part of me far too long to remember what i set out to do.
i left to find more but i just let it lay stagnant and then there was nothing.
i want to reconnect with my inner voice again. to hear the truth.
it just felt so distant sometimes i don't remember much.

2011-05-03T19:56:00.002+08:00

"Look closely at the present you are constructing;
it should look like the future you are dreaming" Anne Walker

Dreaming my dream....

today i've learn

2011-03-01T23:58:00.008+08:00

about the meaning behind this quote;

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.
Truman Capote
more quotes here

many times when i am at wit's end in a conversation because i am not able to express my overloading emotions in words, not as loud, not as fast talking, not as fast thinking.

i think over my sentences, construct them in my mind and sometimes a little longer. coz i don't want to be the insensible, sarcastic, wow-look-at-how-witty-i-am (not!) / razor-tongue self lover. Those snub, yuck!

Respect your standing, and other people's views as well, if you demand any respect at all.
Just like religion. Just because you believe in one God, it's doesn't mean others' beliefs are wrong at all.

2011-01-26T01:45:00.004+08:00

Let him know that you know best because after all you do know best.
Some people have the tendency to challenge the opinions of others - without the effort to understand from another's perspective. THAT -- my friend, is actually called provocation. These people, they make rather irritating debaters, and never gone far in discussions, or conversations, even. Because oftentimes they frustrate themselves by being far too very very protective of their arguments. It's one thing to have heated dialogues, but to have to seal their desire to be victorious with a bitter "I don't want to talk about it anymore" or "that's your perception, not mine" only prove one's impoliteness. And a lot of times, right and wrong are not even applicable at all.
- words by kywc

Above is written by missmob it was exactly my sentiments too, far too long, far too many times I've been in situations like this, sometimes I don't care anymore. You asked, I've answered. I try not to take it to heart, but it's hard not to react, it's not everytime you can just walk out of a conversation.

When the rain is blowing in your face and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you

2011-01-24T00:00:00.001+08:00

this song,

her voice is so superbly emotive.
Especially in this song, makes me wanna cry with her.

this song is beautifully written by Bob Dylan. Sang by Adele here, hits the right tone and heart strings.

Some odd 20 hours ago...

2010-11-19T14:17:00.004+08:00

I posted this quote on my fb;
"The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity."

It rings true to what was happening around me. It made me doubt about people in general. But I know those close to me. I care for them, just as much as they care for me. I know if he or she is being real,.. with time, I must add, that you will learn for their true genuine self.

On another note, I've removed friends' link and some pics here. Solely because I want to remain more anonymous here.
I will try to continue to blog more - writing more ramblings. Or not.

2010-11-01T16:33:00.002+08:00

I started this year telling myself - that i need to be me. who i really am.
but at the midst of the everything, everything fast paced, while i am getting slower and slower
time and time i forget, yet i struggle to remember.
i get tempted easily, distracted easily . i just need, need to know who i really am.
dreams, aspirations, goals - are you nearby?

You can never conquer the mountain. You can only conquer yourself.
- Jim Whittaker

stuff to be done

2010-10-26T23:01:00.003+08:00

do you have stuff to be done?

when all we do is...

2010-09-08T19:37:00.002+08:00

Source

running, running...

2010-09-03T01:02:00.000+08:00

I don't even know what I was running for - I guess I just felt like it.

- J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 1

am still reading it... again.. have yet to finish it. i read it once, way too young to understand. was just aiming to reach the back cover. now i am reading it again.

another book i re-read is To Kill A Mockingbird. these classics have the power to pull you in the neck and twist your heart. certainly, it did that to me.

take it, buy it or just leave it

2010-09-02T17:30:00.001+08:00

well said, well said!

writing to me is...

2010-09-01T14:25:00.003+08:00

Writing stopped being fun when I discovered the difference between good writing and bad and, even more terrifying, the difference between it and true art. And after that, the whip came down.
Truman Capote

I enjoy writing, sometimes; I think that most writers will tell you about the agony of writing more than the joy of writing, but writing is what I was meant to do.
Leon Uris

All I'm writing is just what I feel, that's all. I just keep it almost naked. And probably the words are so bland.
Jimi Hendrix

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
Ernest Hemingway

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.
Graham Greene

I think some aspects of writing can be taught. Obviously, you can't teach vision or talent. But you can help with comfort.
Toni Morrison

some of these quotes felt like how i am feeling inside. i hope it will continue to feed my hunger for writing, hunger to write something good.

what is.... IS

2010-08-20T15:06:00.009+08:00

this couldnt come at a more right / accurate time
i was talking with my bestie about reasons of abandoning this space here
i came up with the reason that, i only write (read : vent) when i am down, sad, emo, angered and i just simply couldnt write when i am happy (and other being, lack of time for it / lazy)

but now i am superstressed out.. so much so, i am thinking my current recurring stomach cramps are of stress induced

tell me, when is A is not A?
i know, i know, there's always a grey spot. which i totally believe in. but terms & c that are written by legal people, approved by those who have a voice in a company, people so high up and these t&c is applied to everyfreakingbody, don't try to wing it. even if you wanna be the bigger person. you just can't let it slide. i just don't know how more to explain to these imbeciles. asking the same question again and again wont change the fact.

on top of that, i couldnt help but felt a little more than incapacitated.
when u try to do you job well, and get it done by the books, people who are not in favour of it, always take the easy way out - "you are to be accountable, you solely, whatever shit that comes with it, it's all yours."

heck
what is right, is right. doesn't matter to me if you are so blinded to accept a fact or for whatever reason you cannot allow such things to happen because you-are-oh-so-nice.
i believe one should take some pride in their own accountability and try to work things together, rather than pushing it all away

missed connections

2010-07-20T13:52:00.002+08:00

stumbled upon this blog - missedconnectionsny with lovely drawings - missed connections in ny (which i think sprung off from www.missedconnections.com )..

how lovely..

2010-07-02T16:13:00.001+08:00

They are basically two types of people whom I have conversations with.
People who pisses me of and those who intrigues me.

just what i needed...

2010-07-02T10:17:00.000+08:00

via stuffnoonetoldme

i threw my diary away

2010-06-30T14:08:00.004+08:00

nah... I am not the kawaii Japanese doodling girl. but I did threw my calendar 1996 diary away. With scribbles of funny daily stories.

simply breakfast

2010-06-21T18:29:00.003+08:00

a while ago there was this blog on breakfast - only pictures of scrumptious breakfast, simple but delicious. I've lost the link but recent google effort brought me to these blogs.

simplybreakfast

mybreakfastblog a little bit of fashion and breakfast, of course

now i'm wondering what will be my breakfast for tomorrow.

walls and frames, rooms and spaces

2010-06-17T15:37:00.008+08:00

i'm always fascinated by the rooms with lots of framed up pictures on the wall. the character screaming thru the wall of pictures is just so captivating.
but the thing about me, i don't like the idea of drilling a hole into the wall. or mounting anything onto the wall. it's like, it's like .. the wall will be broken
I can only dream of a room like these ...
other pretty room layouts...

some links to share;
designspongeonline
pinkwallpaper

Re : banana and chocolate is the new brain food

2010-05-21T14:30:00.004+08:00

sometime ago, i wrote this.

a friend replied ...

issues arise when you look for it, problems tend to build up when you pay attention to them, there's always a remedy to this as the wise one repeats
" if there is a problem we couldn't fix, there's no point worrying about it ..
and if we could solve the problem, what's the use to even bother"

life is always a step ahead and it's always in 1 direction and that's forward, left or right are just orientation, let the flow guide your instinct and judge it with your heart....

Oh yea, I've got plenty of pens and so forth in my drawer, didn't bother me if it's getting too much and some are not even capable of a simple scribble. Just grab which ever feels comfortable and you can always change em even half way through.

p/s wise one = ?

Now here is my secret

2010-04-06T14:46:00.001+08:00

It is very simple. It is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.

- The Little Prince

Happy New Year, peeps

2009-12-31T01:27:00.001+08:00

our dreams are young and we know they'll take us where we want to go

Today felt like the saddest day ever

2009-12-24T17:03:00.004+08:00

2009 is coming to an end.
Looking back, I think I have did quite a few things out of the norm. Nothing to risky.

I’ve attended writing classes – it didn't help much. I think I write much less than before I attended the class. Is it the technicality of writing that has stopped me or was it the awakening that I don’t really have much talent. *chants* ....Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration. Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration. Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration.

Physical aspirations wise - I have started badminton (yet to go back to yoga).

Attended concerts - Jason Mraz, Coldplay, MTV World Stage.
Attended MTV’s rocked out MTV world stage concert. First time ever attending this kinda of gigs.. which was awesome! All American Rejects, Hoobastank, Kasabian - all of them rocked big time. I missed local act - Estranged, because I was late :(

Travelled to ... Genting, Singapore twice, Melaka 2x, Cameron Highlands, spur-of-the-moment-Ipoh day trip...

What else ah… attempted cooking. I have pics to blog about but then forgot it just stayed in the vault.

Finally attempted to take an AMII paper (and attending class after work) glad that I did it because I am now a D student! (D for distinction).

Attempted a beading but still finding it very hard to find time to finish off assignment pieces + portfolio. Think this will carry on to early next year.

Speaking of next year... I want.. to get back to yoga, yogalates if time permits..

Be more consistence with my to-do list. I must do it daily and take pleasure in striking it off. Currently I only have a to do list when I am busy.
Sleep more!
Travel more, that's probably the most oversaid by most.

I have more to write, but I think I should go to bed soon.

winter solstice

2009-12-23T10:58:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I had dinner at home and again out with my friends.

有點慌

2009-12-14T22:38:00.000+08:00

有點慌有點慌

the ultimate dilemma

2009-10-15T14:50:00.000+08:00

how do you stay true to yourself while being supportive of other people's desire?

2009-09-21T04:05:00.005+08:00

at the break of dawn i want to see sunrise
that will bring me to tears
only her enourmous beauty that can amaze me

因为我覺得在你這裡看日出感覺特别漂亮

i lost myself ...

2009-08-04T17:19:00.006+08:00

some days when time permits i try to catch the so-called reality show The City. Go google it and it will tell you the gist (or lack of) of the whole show. Reality it seems,..to me it's kinda a sad reminder to all of us normal people that life isn’t all that perfect and rosy with great clothings, events to go to, smart lines and uptown/downtown friends.
This is MTV’s reality. Not.Real.At.All.
But hehehe, secretly I have a love-hate affair with it.

Somehow I did get some value out of it,
Quoted by renowned designer Diane von Furtensberg (I love her designs!) in the episode titled "i lost myself... in us"...

"Absence is to love what the wind is to fire : When it's a small fire, the wind kills it; but when it's a real fire, it intensifies it. So the absence should do that. You see, the thing is that the most important relationship you have in your life is the relationship you have with yourself... Because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

the sun is hot in the sky like a giant spotlight

2009-06-13T11:35:00.006+08:00

hallelujah~~

finally it poured, at this very moment - just a little before noon

this morning i was so glad that this appeared on my gmail - the image of a thunderstorm

now i can hear the swishy rain and thunder - it felt so right and comforted to be indoors and not blasting the a/c

let it pour, to cool the air
let it pour, to drown the haze
let it pour...

the songs seems to be in sync with today's weather *beams*
i know sometimes it's gonna rain
the sun won't shine...
and the rain falls, the rain falls

banana and chocolate is the new brain food

2009-05-11T00:28:00.003+08:00

I stare forward trying to find a hint of bright brown – the color of my desk, all I can see is a 1cm by 1 cm brown framing the A4 sized recycled legal pal listing my never ending to do list. I turn to my left and let out a silent sigh, brown files piled up, print outs, notes, calculator, desk phone, my bright red diary with papers tucked in between – painfully reminding me of things I ought to act on, and then right in front of me is the blank computer screen. My pen holder comes peeking out shyly but overflowing with pen. This has been annoying me of late, but I have yet to find time to investigate the root of this problem. What is the problem? – I hear you ask. The problem is – I only keep 3 Kilmetrico ball point pens (quite a durable pen, aren’t they? ) amongst other staples. The bright turquoise and black caps stood out, almost forming a mini flag protesting for more space. One in each color; red, blue, black. That is D rule. No need for abundance of pen. Now, i’m seeing 3 blacks, 2 blues (the red are taking a holiday in the paper island on my left), hate to say it but it annoys me a little. I need to find their owners. I swear that I never (mis)took other people’s belonging. Is that is, or my memory are failing me. I am so curious – how did they get here? Have they been secretly multiplying after the lights go off and the door gets shut, furtively forming a family or an army troupe?

Perhaps I should go around the office asking who lost a pen or two. I’m sure I will be the joke of the day. There’s this joke I heard once on a late night show. It goes like this, “who buys stationeries anyway; we all get them from the office.” Laughter will be on me, simply because whoever cares about office stationeries anyway. They are aplenty. Things we all take for granted. When I ponder on things like these, I feel sad, yet what can I do? Or should I say what I have done about it. Lately that’s the big question.

I hope I’m doing some of you proud, but most importantly MYSELF. I have not written anything for a long time. Maybe those pens are mocking me. This big bold “WHY?” hovers in my brain clouds ever since the day I said I have lost the writing mojo (even a paragraph seems hard, then). So, one fine day, during a chatter over lunch with my colleagues, exchanges stories, aspirations, one said –sometimes we set out to do our best and then they are always going to be people better than you, way better. You feel discouraged, beaten up. Stuck in this void, there’s only one road you can see, the easy one. We are our very own worst critic, I must say. We make up excuses to feel better while trying to escape the big run. Where have it gotten us but no-where. Take a step each day. One at a time, I promise and I try. Even if it’s the smallest thing. Now I ask you to be my worst critic. It’s about time I put mine to rest.

Listening to : Viva La Vida & Lost, Coldplay

i hope you have not forgotten about me

2009-05-05T00:27:00.000+08:00

lately, i've been wondering how i came to this point, where there are not enough words to translate the wrenched feeling inside my weakening heart. could it be aging? that may cause the lack of passion..

i was washing my hair in a cold cold shower, steady streaks of cold water running through strands on my hair, it felt good, (p/s; the weather is changing to a slightly temp, i'm glad) thoughts came flowing just like the pipe water. i recall the times my words get lost in translation. it's funny how when you say something plainspoken and then listener takes it, dissect it and reassemble them into something else, however distorted it is from the original version.
oh well, i can't change others, just like how i can't change my true colors to complement the shades of someone's glasses.

some morning in mid november

2009-03-09T21:18:00.000+08:00

this is what i wrote.

remember when i said, i need to find the reason of voice of this blog? somehow i got my answer. a personal blog is never personal at all. person lurking around trying to read between the lines and then make assumption that they know you, because that's what you wrote. because they think that your life is define by these binary code in this personal space you claim to be yours. it's sad to know that i hardly ever blog about happy times in my life. i don't blog about my daily routine, i don't discuss current political issues, i don't write personal stuff, erm i think i do, in a cryptic way.. i dont post narcissistic pics of myself

i strive in the solace when i am jotting down the emotions of things i felt only when i am sad. when i am happy, i hold them in my mind, or looking back into a distant memory imprinted in pictures. i don't remember half the things i ~~said~~ complained here. this is how i deal. people may think i am emo or selfish or (fill in the blank)but like i care ..

The Wandering Piccola said, "Don't let your blog define you".
it's pretty hard to achieve, but I do think readers define you by your words.
it's critical to question things you read but sometime those minute questions are to overwhelming for me to bear.

On a very unrelated note, a quote from a movie i watched recently made me think of a world without suffering and war.
"In the right situation, we are all capable of the most terrible crimes. To imagine a world where this was not so, where every crisis did not result in new atrocities, where every newspaper is not full of war and violence. Well, this is to imagine a world where human beings cease to be human."

pj - 11/20/2008 1.18am

i'm listening to the music of the moment and danced ;)

2009-03-09T13:59:00.002+08:00

it's been ages since i've last logged in here... spending way too much time away from trying to post my feelings online. simple words that i half heartedly type out cannot justify feelings knotted in my heart.

then there are friends, more willing listeners than ranting online. i reflected in my failed attempt to archive my days and thoughts here, i wondered if there should be a right age to blogging rights?

step on it! rev it up...

2009-01-03T02:12:00.000+08:00

His loud voice ringing in my ear, still repeating like a commander, asking me to "step on itttttt! step on it!"
The fear was in sync. Resonating with the loud voice and the melodious engine sound.
But the chicken in me had to constantly press on the break pedal. I think my leg muscle is directly linked to my heart.

The adrenalin is pumping extra and definitely a thrilling scare to be behind the wheels of the much coveted mini copper.

The difference of driving a kancil and a mini copper is uncomparable. This would still be an understatement. A tiny tap on the accelerator sends me flying away.
Only to have driven Proton Wira, Kancil, Myvi, Honda, Toyota nee... This is a whole new experience for me.
Besides that, the cool retro dashboard melts my heart. I can't stop staring at her.

ok this pic i pull out from the worldwideweb. notice the left hand driver's seat?

The best advice for the night, a friend told me to take the short cut, find someone to buy it for me rather than saving the dough for it.
Buy me one, anyone? anyone??

Fresh start to a New Year :)

2009-01-01T02:53:00.001+08:00

I almost could not login in. Thanks to my failing memory, it took me more than a few attempts to type in the right password.

As life goes on, the bulk of knowledge increases. Some are redundant, some excessive. But how do should I filter it? Only the good shall stay.

I have quite a few rules for the year ahead. I am not sure if I am going to hold on to it till the end of this year, but we'll see. I have much confidence that I can do it. With support from myself (of course, definitely foremost), family and friends, and my anonymous readers. I'll let you know 2 of those rules I've set for myself.

1. Be more environmentally friend.
For the past year, I have been trying to do my bit - like not waste water (tap water), not use too much tissue. Frankly the bulk of tissues I buy are not for myself. I have more than a few handkerchiefs.. but i have stopped using it since most of my work wear have no pockets. Now, I am bringing it back into fashion. Trust me. On another note, I find men are sexxy when they actually use those square checkered hanky.
Next I am going to use tupperware for those times I am going to tapau chap fan and not use those wooden chopsticks in sushi bars. (Note to self, buy travel utensils).
I will be more consicous when it comes to things I can make a difference.

2. Stop deleting spam so often. As soon as one lands in the spam folder, I delete it. Talk about OCD. There is more to it than a simple click. I am obsessed with clearing unread mail, deleting mails, deleting forwarded mails, deleting deleted mails from my trash box. This act actually calms me when I am stressed out at work. I am allowing this habit to fester but not anymore. Wish me luck.

anymore coffee for moi?

2008-11-07T08:35:00.006+08:00

Quickies : Coffee is good. Coffee is bad.
But I love Coffee Bean, and can never resist a good ol' cup of Kopi-O ping at old school kopitiam-s. Reminds me of days spent at my maternal grandma's home. She’ll make a good pot for the whole day. Coffee, any time of the day. Filtered by cloth <3

Barely 90 minutes into my waking hours, I am making attempts for not dozing off. i didn't get any sleep last night. I recalled fidgeting a lot underneath my worn out quilted blanket. I recalled too, that I was waiting for the alarm to beep off any second or... minutes, but that didn't happen. My faithful alarm was not put into use cz my mom knocked on my door, 5 minutes before I'm due to wake. Aww, i hate it when that happens. I take pleasure of anticipating the beep beep alarm when being in the limbo of waking moments and half asleep... Now it's pleasedon'tstopthemusiclalalalalaaaaaaa not beep beep.

All that remain now are vague memories of fragmented dream visuals whenever I close my eyes, trying hard to bring to mind..
Thoughts, not dreams after all. ~~My brain~~ Caffeine was working while I rested. Coffee Bean espresso was sure worth the cash, for it is really working overtime. (reminder - no coffee after 5pm! I had it at 9pm).
Is it true when they said, if you drink beer when you are sad, you will feel more miserable that when you are feeling a little less cheery. Can I then believe that caffeine brings whatever other suppressed emotions out of you? Right before sleep, I was looking for a cardigan when the simple process turned out to be a whole episode of reorganizing my closet.. slightly neater than before. I went to sleep at 2plus. time to be dead to the world…

What am I trying to say? Another cup of coffee to perk me up, perhaps?

2008-10-29T08:39:00.005+08:00

this morning i was late again, simply because i wanted to have a hearty breakfast - alone. sad you may think, but i am alright with eating alone. one has to eat, right? just a quick bite. every morning i have this conversation with myself, what should i have for breakfast? the dry bread or the even drier biscuits. sweet muesli bars - not always my favourite, or the big hearty american breakfast? sinful nasi lemak, or the every-ready milo drink. i would first imagine the texture in my mouth and most times i just settle for that pack of instant oatmeal drink in the office. one, because i am ~~late~~, no,.. not late, rather on time.

this morning, as i stroll into my office, i worry about the unwanted attention on me. Lately, a new colleague's existence bothers me a little, her being new to this culture, well, my culture... and that, i sees her reflection turning to my direction as i walked in. of course, i had to announce my arrival with the clanging of keys while i open the door. thanks to my new strategic seat. immediately i switched on the pc and started working, half forgetting my breakfast. all the conversation in my head with myself is futile. it's almost into noon, and i thought about my breakfast and then have another conversation with myself on whether i should have my breakfast when it's an hour away from lunch break.

*by late, i mean 5 - 10 mins :D

2008-10-26T21:18:00.005+08:00

it's been a month long since i've last posted an entry here.
i will try to post more, so that in future i can look back to reflect and reminisce. and also an effort for me to improve my writing skills.
the once therapeutic feelings of writing is faint and distant to me today, because i have put down my pen for a long time. in this blog i have forgotten about the golden rule - to write for myself, not for anyone else. i hope i can find this path and find the story teller in me.

there's so much happenings in my life. not quite dramatic as some of my friends, but quite eventful to say the least. at this very moment, my emotions are at its peak. over and over again i have felt the same, but what can i do? i have been that person before. but yet i feel disappointed, not at myself, but at that person. for he/she should be one who is wiser, more experienced, been through prolly a hundred times of situation like this but yet.... wiser and (better EQ) to make a choice. a choice for the greater good. but what we are - nothing but selfish. in the end, reluctant as i am. i sacrificed. not because i am a better person. but because this is expected from me.

let's move on to other stuff because everything i've said is not what i intended to say.
let's see. argh. my flow is distracted by the dreng-dreng-dreeng msn alert sounds and i kept going back and forth replying my friends and typing and deleting here. and my mind is somewhere among the pages of that thick book. i have about another 30 odd hours to do many many things i planned to do over the last four days (30 odd hours which includes sleeping, eating and bathing etc). but all i wanna do is ..... well, doing all the above and savouring every moment. have you ever wonder... each time when you go to bed? is it because "I wanna go to bed because i enjoy my sleeping hours" or simply because you need to sleep?
let me start my 30 hour run and just wonder about that.

Letting anxieties get the best of you?

2008-09-18T11:56:00.005+08:00

Instead of pushing them away, look into them -- they are just feelings, after all. Less-than-perfect feelings.

Feeling fine?

2008-09-18T09:56:00.004+08:00

I was browsing wefeelfine and came across this ;

But I can't help but feel sad every time Patrick Dempsey has that defeated look on his face and when he makes those long, sad sighs.

I can't help but let out a smile.

Look at the pink skies, ain't it lovely?

2008-09-12T22:28:00.001+08:00

The soft pink skies
On endless horizon it lies
My heart slowly dies
as light turn into darkness

~inspired by the dusk of September

p/s : what else rhymes with lies? i can only think of dies.. perhaps fades?

2008-09-11T01:55:00.000+08:00

I do not know where I shall begin.
Where do you want me to begin?

Happy Valentine's Day <3

2008-09-02T21:56:00.000+08:00

2008-08-25T00:15:00.007+08:00

If there is ever a moment that time stood still, I wish I could sit down and assess my feelings and emotions. Days are filled with wind sweeping everything clear from it’s surface. Nothing is left rooted.

when trying isn't enough

2008-08-20T02:19:00.001+08:00

it's been so long since i've last talked to you. did you miss me? i do sometimes. but it's rather heart wrenching to think about it. Every attempt, each failed miserably. i wondered if i tried. If i tried hard enough. i only kept on trying, whenever my senses evokes me. Am i giving up already?

today I miss you a little

2008-07-28T01:17:00.000+08:00

a little too soon
a little too much
a little too long

i had a bad day (do you know?)

2008-07-19T01:12:00.006+08:00

this is like the gazillionth time i have tried to verbalize my feelings for the past week. i thought the week steered into a better direction. i couldn't see what was coming. was it me? was it bottled feelings gone bad? was it the hormones? sigh, blame whatever you want. it's ultimately frustrating not knowing the cause. and having to endure the effects of it. it's too damn tiring.

why so serious?

2008-07-01T01:10:00.002+08:00

There are times for seriousness. and a time for jokers.. :P

I was googling some reviews on the last movie The Dark Knight, and stumbled upon an interview with Heath Ledger (I refuse to type "the late Heath Ledger"...).

His in-depth knowledge and passion for the work he does simply amazes me.

An excerpt from an interview he did;
How do you feel about your Oscar nomination?
Heath Ledger: Um...I don't know. I mean, the only time it's swirling around me, is when I'm at these interviews. But the Oscars, they're a really strange concept to me. It's obviously an honor, for a film to be in that category.But it's also such a strange concept, that films and acting can be competing against each other. We're not running the same race. It's like we're all doing different sports in fact, you know? And we're all training differently. So you can't really compare them, ever. Those awards are really manufactured for marketing reasons. But we can't help but get dragged into it. And ultimately what it ends up doing, is that other people's opinions kind of drag us as actors and filmmakers into this false sense of success if they nominate you. And certainly this false sense of failure, if you don't win! But long story short, it's great to be in a movie that's being well received.

On the same topic, this May was the month that I saw the most movies, in a row.

Let's talk about the one that tops my chart > Ironman. Tony Sparks, the guy I want to be if I am a guy. And of course, girls like. :P Genius, billionaire-rich, but carries a playboy / ladies man status. I am sure most of you know the story of Ironman. What I find so interesting about this depiction of comic hero Ironman is actor Robert Downey Jr. I walked into to the cinema thinking it is such a wrong casting, but boy was I wrong. There can be no other man that can play Tony Stark as natural as him. His charisma just wins you over. Even he / Tony Spark is just fictional. The story buildup was momentous.

2nd favourite movie / #1 fav animated movie – Kung Fu Panda.

Jack Black as Po, the Panda \ he was hilarious in School of Rock!

But in KFP he is just Po, innocent big dreamer (read : big, fat, ~~lazy~~ panda that wants to be part of elite squad "Legendary Furious Five".
The very first line : Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung fu skills were the stuff of legend. -_- Kekekeke. A hero is always guided by great masters before becoming the great hero. Great master – Master Oogway, with his over the top Yoda-like sage advice. And the strict emo Sifu, erm, Master Sifu.
Animation of this movie is superbly done, take note of the opening (dream) scene, the part where the baddie, Tai Lung escaped from Chor Gorm Prison and the extensive training for Po. Art work is superb too, computer and hand drawn, it looks so real, although some are pretty comical. I would say this movie is witty enough for adult movie-goers and graphics enough to keep the little ones entertained. I would totally watch it again, simply because it's awesomeness. Almost blinded by it. Must go watch okay!!

What Happened in Vegas : A truly enjoyable chick flick, also a good one for the guys. Not just for them to sit through to please a girl. A comedy set in NY, about two opposite characters on a holiday in Vegas. One failed in love, another failed in career. Sin City is the place to go. A night of drunken debauchery makes them Mr & Mrs. Well, I don’t want to give out too much spoiler.
Each turn of events is quite predictable but its outcome is far than boring mostly because of Cameron + Ashton’s fun character. Supporting actors does not lack in shining thru in this movie as besties. Supporting by feeding them “ideas”.
Lastly, Cameron Diaz is hot!

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. Overall enjoyable. Okay, the alien story is a bit far fetched. A bit X-Files type but hey, it's fiction anyway. I find that the storyline does fit well with the alien idea. Cate Blanchett is the villain in this installment as Irina Spalko with a sexy ___ accent..
(okay, I need to deviate a bit; I wanna watch her and Heath in Bob Dylan biopic 'I'm Not There'.) Shia didn't deliver much as the teenage motorcycle riding /rebel. He did only okay, just like in Transformers.

Hulk. Gosh. It's no where near a thumbs up. A movie wasted the talents of all the actors in it. Especially Edward Norton who was so good in Fight Club, Oscar nominated and Yale graduate.
Okay, there is action going on for you fans out there. It really deserves a wtf moment. Simply out of nowhere there are blasting canons in an university campus. And not very intellegent General. A silly fella or was he the so-called Hulk nemesis? going all gungho wanting to be the ultimate killer?
First, he was cured by scientist, Samuel Sterns (Mr Blue). Tim Blake Nelson did good job in his role. But Banner just jumps off from a copper hoping to increase his heart rate and then turn into Hulk and saves the day. I find it implausible.
Anyway, I did enjoy Stan Lee’s cameo (as always) and Tony Stark! And did you know Lou Ferrigno, the original Hulk from the old tv series appeared too?

Made in Honor : I swear it’s just another full proof formulaic romance movies. Guy and girl. Best friends. Just pass it and rent My Best Friend Wedding.

Wanted. Slaps forehead. I fell for the Angelina Jolie is hot / action packed trailer. Yes, Angelina Jolie is hot, it's action packed, kinda cute James McAvoy. Sad, but cute. But I guess the last 20 minutes totally turn the whole movie around. Into another Matrix/ wanna be movie.
Just found out that it was directed by Timur Bekmambetov. I have seen one of his highest-grossing films in Russian history, "Night Watch", which was a good watch. (Haven’t seen the sequel Day Watch though). That explains the set of the movie, almost like in Count Dracula's mansion.

All said and done, I am only looking forward to The Dark Knight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not my birthday...

2008-06-27T23:38:00.003+08:00

such a yummy cake ~~

BE HERE NOW.

2008-06-25T13:44:00.003+08:00

As I was talking to a good friend yesterday, she reminded me to enjoy the moment and not think too much and micro analyzing everything. I listened to her, and I will try to maintain this kind of mind set. And I went on to do my random readings of good writings. Another advice well spoken.

I am going to leave off with three really important words that I have found
may just hold the key to life and more importantly living, Be Here Now.

No exactly a new revelation, but to me these words came right on time and I needed to hear it, I adhere to it and... surprise surprise good things are happening.

i am sour

2008-06-24T10:06:00.001+08:00

this morning i bought a carton of milk.. i am almost sure it is bad.
and yet i bought it and drank it..

yes, i held my cup with my left hand, cz I am busy working with my right

see how i work ~~wonders~~ in a constrainted space

From the recent frenzy of a certain David, I’ve moved on to a finer frenzy..

2008-06-10T01:18:00.003+08:00

A voice so bitter, stringing words into tunes. Images formed in my mind as I listened to the tunes, over and over again.
I imagined a long haired girl in white playing a white piano on a cliff. Colorless. As lifeless as the singer’s heart. Waves gushing at the background is only a small fragment of her emotions.

It wasn’t far from my images.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

a sneeze here and there

2008-06-02T01:50:00.000+08:00

i attract stares

i attract chuckles

oh, that is me...

what's your idiosyncrasy?

2008-05-31T01:17:00.010+08:00

A week came and gone. Thank goodness for all the events lined up each weekend after another, I had less time lazing around. My mental to-do list still exist although I would love to believe it is more of my own delusion. I bet that it's almost a feet long now.
I'm sure I will get around to it, someday, somehow. One by one. Ticked. Checked. Crossed.

On deeper thoughts, I believe now that my idiosyncrasies has led me to a place ~~long forgotten~~ I never knew existed (in me).

I just can't accept how people act the way they act*. Behavourial that's off tangent, it's not acceptable. I can't compromise. Whatever happened to "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."??

Anyway, I shall end this post with a quote.

"How easy it is to judge rightly after one sees what evil comes from judging wrongly."

* applies to me as well

where's your courtesy?

2008-05-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

I really need to put this down before I feel the scribbling is too dated to be posted.
(12.35 am isn't that late anyway)

I was stringing these words together in my mind (I was rushing to go out today. Read : LATE), I was contemplating something like; "I don't really like KL city people" to graced the page header. Well, that is too much of a stereotyping. A lot of KL city people I know are very down to earth, and the fact, that I am half a KLites makes it some sort of betrayal. I got stuck there.

Just some thoughts I was thinking about today and much lately. I REALLY don't get it when sometimes one asks for a favour from you, you had to apologetically reply for not being able to offer any help. And the person who asked you for a favour takes it for granted that you are supposed to help, you are supposed to say sorry when you can't offer any help.

There is no basic courtesy to say; THANKS, it's okay / I'm sorry to bother you / appreciate your effort for trying to help me figure it out. But in return, he/she expects a sorry from you.

It's like when someone (accidentally) knocked you down and expect words of remorse that your small-being entwined with his/her bigger existence in this universe. -_-

It's not like I want to do certain things in exchange of words of gratitude, or some sort of material repayment of kindness. That is totally not my point. Still I would like to you to ask yourself > Do we do good in hopes of our kindness repaid? I know my answer, and that is the reason I sleep well at night.

Sadness surge my heart when I have to face these cold hearted human. (maybe cold hearted is a word too intense to display my emotions, but you get the point).
More so conflicted than sad, at most times - because I do not know if I am like them, do I think like them? Should I act like them? Society shun on those who don't act and think like them, if a majority part of society act the same way, does it make right?

True humane emotions are (sometimes) lost in this rat race. Barren and worthless.

girls should be smart

2008-05-22T22:06:00.000+08:00

like her.

I first noticed Natalie Portman, when I read a quote by her on her rising stardom. She said, it's ironic how when you can afford anything in this world, people still give you freebies. They should give to those who are less fortunate. The world needs more souls like her. (We already have one big hearted soul, who really gets good karma - Angelina Jolie.)

Nat is one of the young stars that I admire a lot. Her diversity in movie roles, and being able to finish Harvard U, without having any bad press.

At such a young age, but many movies under her belt, she was summoned for jury duty. Well, as one of the judges in 2008 Cannes Film Festival.

She was queried about her nudity scenes in upcoming movie - Hotel Chevalier. A lot of misrepresentation of her regrets of participating in nudity scenes. I found this to be the best reply in the www.

Natalie Portman says she regrets a sex scene she filmed for the movie , not because she is uncomfortable with nudity, but because it’s all she’s been asked about ever since. Shots of the actress from the scene appeared on the internet, and she explains, "It's not that I regret the film, but it really depressed me that half of every review on the film was about the nudity. It made me think I shouldn't have done it. I'm not prudish about nudity. I think it's beautiful in films, and sex is such a big part of life. My issue is that I feel it takes something away from what you're doing when the focus is put on the wrong thing. My picture ended up on porn sites, and that's the dilemma."

SOURCE: GLAMOUR MAGAZINE

No other way that can be best said.

haywire-d

2008-05-19T02:45:00.000+08:00

Yes, I am kinda back.

You couldn’t have guess the number of times I’ve actually logged in and typed a line or two and then decided, hey I’ll come back to finish it.
Well, never got around doing it.

My sleep cycle has gone totally haywire-d. 2am is a norm. Today I pushed myself to the limit. It’s like testing how far can I go? Haha. Nonsense. Well, it seems like I can write when I feel like I actually need to be in bed now. The music is keeping me awake. And I just love the tapping sound in this silent night. It’s great that tomorrow is a public hol. And thank the person who invented concealer.

Well, there’s been quite a lot to do the past few weeks, seeing that I have a full time job, a part time job, a class to attend, places to go, books to study, a hobby to attend to, etc etc etc… I really don’t have time for er, err, many things. I hate it when I miss my CSI, my calls. Aw. Sorry la, no time to return those calls.

But recent week was good. More than good, despite work issues which is a norm. I'll tell you why it's good, cz I saw 2 movies within a week. Great movies, imho. Lars and the Real Girl was poignant in some way and yet very funny. And typical chick flick What Happened in Vegas. (Note to self; try and write a good review, when I find time).

One more thing I wanted to write is something I would love to remember when my memory fails to function well in future. Mainly due to brain cells dying. Primary probable cause - lack of sleep. I love my friends la. They are so cool. .. esp the 2 crazy chicks who keep me laughing, even when it’s about laughing at myself. And they really can eat a lot. Siao, 2am still wanna eat. This is the best I can do at this hours. 2.42am. I really need to zzz.

To be continued. Nites

2008-05-18T02:45:00.003+08:00

there are moments in time when it takes doing some wrong to know what's right
i've been on this road once or twice. twice? yes. and shame on me
time heal wounds and makes you forget, or believe it did
again, you hit the same curve
a feeling almost lost in your heart until the warmth of fresh blood fills you up

did i actually learn anything from the past?
did i forget? did i forgive? maybe it was subconsciously blocked out

each situation presents itself differently
you see what you want to believe
i've seen the uglier side, the uglier me
i hope it's nothing but a transformation

i picked up the papers but it was more bad news

2008-05-16T07:53:00.000+08:00

care to waste a bit of your time
to donate some money to those less fortunate
to be kind

because on most days, we are not kind (I hope to believe most of the time we don't realise it)... this many be one of the ways we can redeem ourselves

How to donate to victims of Sichuan Province, China

Help the victims of Cyclone Nargis!

2008-05-13T17:03:00.001+08:00

it's been awhile now since i've last written something here
there's quite a bit i want to write about, sharing my point of view
it seems like i can't sleep well if i haven't got all my thoughts out

who are your friends? who are your family?
who is toxic? who is all sugar and sweet?

there's this saying i've learnt recently, "How easy it is to judge rightly after one sees what evil comes from judging wrongly."

there's too many small incidents happening or maybe not (just me observing), i've found out that life is indeed unfair, if you cared enough to make a difference, it will be different.

2008-05-07T17:32:00.000+08:00

2008-04-15T01:23:00.000+08:00

Lift me up
High in the sky
So I can dance with the clouds
Besieged by these comfort fluff
I could stay there forever

Lift me up
High in the sky
So I can find my perfect rainbow
Searching after a rainy day
I am sure one day I will

p/s : inspired by this picture above

2008-04-09T21:50:00.000+08:00

One’s own self or material goods, which has more worth?
Loss (of self) or possession (of goods), which is the greater evil?
He who loves most, spends most,
He who hoards much loses much

Laotse

if i have nothing to say

2008-03-21T04:24:00.000+08:00

yes, you’ve got it right, the WILL to continue..

this blog at least.

While it was (almost) therapeutic for me to write here, in public domain, some parts of me don’t feel like sharing my thoughts with the whole world.

Hence, I am taking a hiatus. Be gone. And (hopefully) I’ll be back later with a clearer understanding of everything*.

Lack of time is essentially one main point for missing in action here.

Another, is lack of ideas or interesting topics to write about. Some time earlier this year, (i think) I lost my writing ability. Suddenly my world is not described by vocabulary anymore. Everything I wrote ended up in the drafts folder. Unworthy of any readers.

Oh. I need a detox.

Things shall remain private for this moment, until I find the ultimate raison d'être for me to continue to exist virtually.

* defined vaguely. there is so much i wanna understand, I cannot specificy all

the world spins madly

2008-03-15T19:32:00.001+08:00

empty thoughts

2008-03-12T17:20:00.000+08:00

straight off from the shower at 2.12am in the morning, i am thinking
at the dead of the night. such perfect time for deep thoughts
many thoughts in my mind, tangled with emotions. some good, some bad
i just need to rest my head
lie down
and sleep
and dream a little

2008-03-06T23:41:00.001+08:00

You accused me of being less than enthusiastic

Well you’ve never been more than that about me

Why is it so sad that you cant see the things I am masking

the things you said hurts, maybe because it does rings true

fairytale reality

2008-02-27T11:10:00.000+08:00

got this via email lately... it's so funny.
which one do you want to be?

UPDATED - 03.21.2008 - 0005hrs
bunch of spammers! i wonder who lead u here. but anyway, i did ask a question.

Do I want...
an "animal" for a hubby? no way, josé!!
a pumpkin ride? i'd rather walk.
babysit 7 kids? *gasp* -_- factory meh??
being mermaid & wearing fishnet? altho this spells fashion disaster, but it sounds kinky. hahaha
pretend to be asleep? sad case...

I think being in the mermaid's position is some sort of consolation, if i were to choose.

i think i'll go to boston

2008-02-22T17:15:00.000+08:00

i can feel those waves, so strong and so cold
but i don't hear the piano playing

random

2008-02-21T15:20:00.000+08:00

ok.. short one
must try Sushi Zanmai in Gardens, Mid Valley city

Yo!Sushi, an UK chain. I think you can skip this.. unless you are rich.

i shot you

2008-01-30T17:46:00.000+08:00

2008-01-29T17:05:00.000+08:00

I think I can do without a mobile
So many calls
So many went unanswered
No sense of urgency to return to calls and sms-es,
Just my way of spending the weekend
But there is one, worth returning J

My weekend was eventful.
Throw in 3.5hrs of suppressed patience, retail therapy, girl talk, movie nite, me time, sinus episode, fever, shopping with HRH, jiejie and family, left me very exhausted to face Monday.

I didn’t have dinner tonight. I was pretty full from lunch today, which, by the way, was not good at all.
Hint : Novotel, KL

A call to end a Monday night, it was timely.

***

I am at a loss for words. Give me time, let me practice for my perfect recital.

I give up. officially. Today.

2008-01-26T15:36:00.000+08:00

trying to understand.

because no one cares, really! they don’t care.
because it didn’t matter to them.
because it is too small to make any difference.
because it troublesome to do so.
because it is the way to love yourself.

are you william hung or kelly clarkson?

2008-01-24T17:06:00.000+08:00

Do you watch American Idol? I’m sure most of you out there have seen more than a few episodes, if not all.

Rejected candidates cursing at the judges for being blind, to pass out on Britney-like talent that they possess. Not uncommon. I ask, are they being delusional? Are they blinded by their "enormous talent"? I’m sure somewhere along the way to the day they walked in through that A.I. door, they have been told that they are a great singer by their loved ones, or good friends. Implicitly? Maybe not. Now, let me go on and tell you that their opinions are skewed. After all these years, I have learnt to take commendations from family/friends with a bit of skepticism. It the end, we are all biased when it comes to blood relation and all things pretty. We are human, after all. We are engineered to be like that.

Ok, fast forward to the audition day.
You put yourselves out there, willingly. But why be a sour puss when an honest opinion is given? Maybe judges' standards are a bit higher or a whole set of different criteria than what you can give. Feeling dejected, I'm am sure being sour is the right emotion (at times). Can one step back to look at the situation before acting out? Who is to be blame? Your lack of talent?(which I believe you prolly fail to acknowledge). Judges lacking in foresight? There can be many reason to it, any reason imaginable, if you can concoct it, you will believe it to be true. But sometimes, it's wise to listen. To listen to someone other than yourself, family and friends (in this order). Listen. Reflect and change, which is of course, a choice.

Everyday life can be like an audition. More or less. We always have opinions of others, acting somewhat like a critic. In return, we will be evaluated too, whether or not you have asked for it. More critic reviews, especially if you put yourself on a stage.

My take on this is, don’t take things personally. Be yourself. People either love you, or they don’t.

loss of a great actor : Heath Ledger 1979 - 2008

2008-01-24T15:52:00.000+08:00

I still can't believe that Heath Ledger is dead. I was very much looking forward to seeing his portrayal of The Joker in the new Batman movie - Dark Knight (note : not a fan of Batman). The posters and trailer of this Batman Begins (2005) sequel seem very promising. After his big break in Brokeback Mountain, great reviews all over about his outstanding performance, and many look forward to more movies of him. Sadly, his life was cut short. It must be so heartrending for his family and close friends. I cannot imagine the grief they must be going thru at a time like this.

May you rest in peace...

stars are blind

2008-01-22T17:14:00.000+08:00

it's the blind leading the blind.

has one failed to evaluate the quality and the substance?
2008.01.22 kywc

are we always blinded by what stands in front of us, that we fail to see what lies ahead.

* * *

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter,

2008-01-21T13:49:00.000+08:00

.. silence it is not.

We talk but do we ever communicate? Words being exchanged, but it carries no meaning.

something you don't already know

2008-01-17T14:52:00.000+08:00

one day, i will look back and think of this moment... and say, a wise man once told me

Love is ... devotion without deliberation.

Without having second thoughts when it comes to your loved ones. Like leaving your work instantaneously when your wife is sent into labour.

Choice is ... always there.

There is always a choice (if not more), no matter how bleak the situation is. We can choose to be happy, to be sad, to be average, to conform, to suceed.

Nothing is new, we all know it.

nothing but numbers?

2008-01-10T09:41:00.000+08:00

the same person who told me this, also told me,
"tiu the new year is only 9days old"

Yes, I didn't realised it too, until these words were repeated to me.

can't think of a title

2007-12-31T09:21:00.000+08:00

29122007 * 2am

i swear that i'm trying to zombified myself
ok, few more days to go before i ~~attempt to~~ have to live up my ny resolution to sleep earlier

what am i indulging in these late nights?

***

30122007 * 3am

came back from mamak at 2am, after watching Golden Compass. was home alone. cyl n yuppie was supposed to stay over to help me overcome my fear of being alone in a big big house (oklar, not that big actually). somehow, it's my home and yet i feel insecure. was it because i am alone? or the fact that i've just live here for a little over a year? i was expecting for a long overdue girls' heart to heart chat but i just didn't have the heart to see cyl get overly tired for work the next day. and., i was tired too. i finally feel asleep at about half past 3. being alone at home, my senses are definitely heightened.. i was awaken by some sort of revving engine sounds, and a loud voice. i peered out the window trying to source the point of origin. can he see me? and then i spotted a car, parked right in front of my house. can he see me? windows down, i could see light from driver's mobile. he was on the phone, i waited until he drove away. can he see me? i waited for another few minutes, before i went back to bed. i still couldn't seep back into slumber land. many questions played in my mind before i finally fell asleep (i'm guessing 4am+)... will the car be back? why did he park right in front of my house? was he alone? ... etc,... ok i was being paranoia. i realised now that i took my parents for granted, to safeguard me and our house. Other nights, even if the alarm rang, i wouldn't even realised it, sleeping like a pig. Next day, my mom will tell me about it..

six days

2007-12-24T18:33:00.000+08:00

approximately six days, that is what is left of 2007.

....
tbc'd

2007-12-22T13:26:00.000+08:00

A friend said to me, “i didn't know we have so little time left of 2007”

Yes, I didn't realised it too, until these words were repeated to me.

Fast forward 12 months...

2007-12-18T15:30:00.000+08:00

Note
this post is purely a result of ~~complaints~~ feedback received lately, hence a some happy-fying pics in attempts to acquire more readership...

Presenting miss kbai/cbai aka yuppie aka miss wanna-do-something to jamesblunt&jamesmorrison aka miss always singing so hollowwwwwwwww babeh to me.^Exactly, this is the face of her wanting to do something to james blunt & james morrison. (ménage à trois??)
According to her, we have dated, it's complicated and not in speaking terms.
We met randomly when we were in fourth form. Tragic story. I was the pale new girl (trying to channel the Single White Female vibe, gosh superb movie. No, not that physco b*tch, the red hair one). She was the stick thin tanned girl.
I didn't know until now, that I was her saviour back then.. she finally fess 'up THAT I was the answersdotcom for all those Chem homework. I think you left out Add Maths, dear. Yep, every single morning. I do recall I am the very first person to be in school every morning. For 2 whole years. Before sunrise, can you believe it? Aww, good old memories. I miss those time, the 30mins before the bell rang.
Years passed by, our friendships was on halt for, luckily a very short period of time. We reconciled "for the love of shopping." Her words.
Our friendship survived albeit having her say cbai to me everyday when I bid her bye on msn. And accusing me of being a cheapskate..."She took advantage of this beautiful relationship and treats me like a song download request centre."
But you were very much enthusiastic whenever I have a request.. right?
Well, what can I say, I sure can work some charms on people.

Next on, miss manager aka chiayeelingggggggggggggggggg, miss ex-XXX-gf of some fella.
She is also my Kong tong wa lou si. Easily ~~amused~~ annoyed when my partner-in-crime and I fish out our camera... not forgetting her laughter at my silly antics, my ill-pronounced cantonese. She's pretty anal about it... because instead of spending time reading her Physics, Sejarah or more recently her optical notes, she would rather watch tvb series and swoon about Wu Dan. Now, who the heck is Wu Dan. I do not know.
It was her, that I was taught how to be zealous when it comes to story telling.No introduction needed.

Now, I just wanna wish all of you a MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

and the world spins madly

2007-12-11T09:53:00.000+08:00

Many a times, we are so engrossed in a moment, we become ignorant of other people’s feelings. We take them for granted, and we subconsciously act as if the world revolves around ourselves.

Sometimes being second fiddle is not such a big deal. Although you are the main protagonist in your life, my believe is, some days you need to step back and let the limelight shine on others once in awhile. Before I digress, all I wanna say is being treated like a backup plan for one’s convenient. It just sucks.
Again, I feel so perplexed about my feelings. Never once, I have not tried to justify each and every action. I just need to have some blind spots application or something.

I am walking away now, choosing to keep my opinion to myself, as ~~your~~ the world spins madly.

*post-edit :
it is my intention to leave a vague impression of the real victim-predator identity? which is me?

found this today...

2007-12-03T17:07:00.000+08:00

Ain't this sweet?

Click here

just to keep you entertained

2007-11-26T15:20:00.002+08:00

untitled

2007-11-01T09:30:00.000+08:00

My mind flashed back to an episode of my life.
I remember the setting, I remember the mood. I remember most things that matter.
An event I believe I will always commit to memory.

When I was little, I was curious about most things, one evening I begged mom to let me make jelly on my own. Wanting to do my best to impress her, I took the prettiest (expensive) glass bowl, (and I think it’s her favourite too) to present the soon-to-be-made-jelly-that-i-can-proudly-say i-made-it-myself. Little did I know that I was not born to be like Martha Stewart. Once I cooked the mixture, I poured out the boiling hot mixture immediately; a nice crack formed a ring around the bowl, cutting it into half. I freaked out**… heart was pumping at the rate … hands are shaky, and I could hear mom just came out from shower, at that very minute.
The moment was intense, my fear personified, my heart pumping so fast, I felt as if I have committed the worst sin ever. I apologize and anticipated for the worst reprimand. But her incessant words of care, howareyou, didyoucutyourself, didyouburnyourhands, areyoualright, tellmewhereithurts?
I was more than consoled. Shame on me, thinking I am a little lower compared to the bowl she loved, I was so wrong. *

Today reminded me of that day.
I broke a glass, the same emotion run through me. Shocked and scared, but I am a big girl now. I need to be able to take care of myself. I have to.

*I am a lil' teary eyed now thinking back. It was the kindest act. Even though by default she is my mom but the sincerity in it was overwhelming. It has permanently etched into the deepest of my heart. I try each time to find the same kindness, the same kind of caring that would rocked me to my core, again.

**you wont know how terrified I can be of being cut by knife and glasses etc. thoughts of my flesh sliced into two, the bright red blood brings shiver down my spine. I can tell you I witnessed it before – not a pretty sight. Especially the pain after when the sedative wears off.

That I am nobody but myself

2007-10-31T17:06:00.002+08:00

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.
I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.
I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I,
and only I, could answer.It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:
That I am nobody but myself.

Ralph Ellison, The Invisible Man

all i want now is to

2007-10-24T08:05:00.000+08:00

curl in bed, bedsheets up to my neck
reading my favourite book

what do you say?

2007-10-23T09:13:00.000+08:00

I always say goodbye.

2007-10-18T17:12:00.001+08:00

What day is it?

And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up and I can't back down

I've been losing so much time

2007-10-18T12:04:00.000+08:00

left right left right left
how many steps did we take before we parted?

a little teary eyed...

2007-10-11T11:17:00.000+08:00

i was on my way home
reading on the train
and i teared a lil ... i had to held my head up so that my tears wont fall down
i was wrong when i thought next page will be better
but it made me tear again...
i had to held it in and stop reading

waiting to fall asleep

2007-10-10T17:05:00.000+08:00

for what seem like eternity in blogsphere time, i finally drag myself to login and post something.
what have i been up to you ask?
i seriously don't know how to answer

it's 1.48am now, but i am not in bed
feels like i am waiting
waiting for the dead night to turn into dawn

I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you

coincidentally, this song is played (Milk by Massive Attack & Garbage)
i SERIOUSLY need to sleep NOW because Goodnight Goodnight is playing now...

2007-09-19T17:18:00.000+08:00

I have not been updating much lately. Not entirely in the mood, but more like there isn't enough time for much. When I have some free time, I wanna lie down and stare at the ceiling, or read a book or listen to my playlists. I hope my absense does make your heart grow fonder. but many thanks to those who are in my days constantly. And thanks to those who write about our intertwined life. Indeed, last weekend I had a blast. At a party. I was involved in organizing, well, a small simple task, that’s about it. The crowd is great. I drank a few drinks. Just enough for me to mingle with new friends. Although I was having fun, I can help to stop thinking about some doubts. Some that I may never find answers to. I guess it’s time to let it rest.

Sunday didn’t turn out quite well for me. It left me awfully perplexed. It seems like a roller coaster ride, at peak of ecstasy plummeting down. Two extremes of feeling are not easy to deal with. Often confiding in myself, I was offered an advice. I may seem reluctant to receive it, but secretly I felt grateful. Why do I seem reluctant? Because as much as I wanna embrace that philosophy, I don’t think I am made for it. I let people continue to misunderstand me, because words fail me.

2007-09-19T16:36:00.001+08:00

how many chances does one get in their lifetime?
what happens when we fail after trying again and again?
are we at fault when we lose faith?

Ambush

2007-09-19T14:38:00.000+08:00

hot party last weekend. a surprise party for my brother-in-law, a labour of love from his lovely wife, my crazy sis, Idy.

more to read here

2007-09-06T16:21:00.001+08:00

I lost track of time. I thought I could catch up with time. But of course, I can’t.

All those noise surrounding me, all those emotions are not mine.
I could hear the sound of it, close to my heart, but not mine.
It was never my story. I wish I can offer some sort of solution at times, but I am no saint.
I have my imperfection.
I fazed out, sometimes because I could not say what is best.

I hope I have done my part as a listener.

I try to be myself, but yet I lie. The lies that I weave are oh so intricate.

what it was...

2007-08-29T14:26:00.000+08:00

8 months have come and gone.

Take some time to reflect on what has happened, before the year ends.

It seems like yesterday that it was January. Into first week of January. Now, fast forward 8 months. Have I achieve what I have set out to? Did I find a renewed me?

Lots of travelling I did, Penang, Melaka, Seremban, Cambodia, Bangkok, soon Phuket and Japan. I just can't wait. I am happy that this year I have seen a lot, from scenery to abstract things, mundane things... getting to know some new friends, getting to know old friends on a deeper level.

i must say this year is kinda fast paced, but looking back, what have i achieve?

well, for starters, I took up teaching. After much contemplation, i committed my saturdays to teaching. Teaching what, you may ask? it's a simple craft/hobby thing. If any of you out there who is interested in bead works, gimme a ring. More patience building for me.

So, do you think you have achieve what you have set to do this year?